‘If it doesn’t fit’
There are some of us who might recall the infamous and theatrical moment that Johnny Cochrane remonstrated with the O.J. Simpson jury ‘ If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit’. Check it out online if you missed it.
Let’s not digress.into the almost farcical aspect of this iconic scene where the Carnival barking lawyer told O.J. to try on the gloves, allegedly used by the murderer of his wife. Nevertheless, the concept of a glove fitting is on my mind in thinking about marriage and relationships.
How many of us buy the gloves without really ascertaining the true fit, often without even trying them on? We may like the look, we may like the feel, we may even like what we think is the price at the time. But do they truly fit? Only time will tell, and tell it does.
Of course, in the case of gloves, one has the return/refund policy to fix the problem. But in the case of marriages there is no return policy, and certainly no refund possible. To the contrary, there is a significant re-stocking charge upon an attempt to return the damaged goods.
There is, however, a true dilemma in ascertaining an actual ‘fit’, when over time people often change enough to strain even the bonds of love and loyalty. What might have felt like a perfect fit at the beginning often becomes too tight, too loose or threadbare over time, and therein lies the dilemma. As the hazy patina of youth is replaced by the self-awareness and wisdom of maturity, the metrics of relationships make a seismic shift and our perspective can be painfully revelatory.
Romance is like DUI in more ways than one. “Dating/Deciding/Delusion under the Influence” is not on the crime lists but it can cause an awful lot of damage. The euphoric serotonin cocktail can last a long enough time to find people waking up having made life changing decisions. These include significant career moves, traumatic relationship changes, geographical relocation, financial commitments, having children and more. I happens that one is awoken to find themselves in bed with a stranger whom you thought you knew.
Sometimes the genesis of a marriage may be blithely casual or convenient, sometimes because of an accident, sometimes the result of torrid passion or even on a rebound like a boomerang. Half the time - if we believe the stats, it even works out, despite the odds to the contrary. Whether it works out over the long run or not however, it is never without a mountain of effort, compromise, self-control, discipline, patience and suffering.
The question is, how well do the gloves have to fit? And where is the tipping point? And how hard are you prepared to work? How much of yourself to sacrifice for how long in this brief life? After all, the larger existential questions await our attention after these comparatively lesser, though more annoying, questions of relationships.
The reality of all of this is that there is almost no rationality involved in the entire subject. Try as we might to rationalize our wants, desires, urges, longings, impulses, yearnings, attractions, fantasies, or whatever you wish to call them, in the end Emily Dickinson has been vindicated. She put it simply in 1862 when she said “The heart wants what it wants, or else it doesn’t care”.
Humans have been proving this theorem repeatedly since our beginnings. How many empires and crowns have been lost and gained because of matters of the heart? How many children have been born because of a transitory but irresistible and atavistic urge? How many hearts have been broken for every heart satiated? Whether king or pauper, genius or fool, in matters of love all of us are equally and slavishly turning in the emotional winds. There is no compass, and often no visible horizon.
The easy part is the Prelude, but the full length Opera is another story. Perhaps, after due diligence and monumental effort, at the very least, if it doesn’t fit, you must admit.
The admission itself is just the beginning of a difficult journey.